Getting Back on Track...

Wow, Sorry folks, it has been awhile!

Since far before I even started this blog I have struggled with the style, theme, and parts of my life or interests that I wanted to share with others, or what I thought others may find interesting enough to read.  As I am starting to learn, a lot of that indecisiveness is very related to my internal dilemmas.  I am in general (and it is not just a persona) a very happy, go with the flow, laid back, love to have a good time, family oriented, caring and kind person.  However I also love adventure, am completely unable to keep my life organized, have ADHD, am always late, can't manage my money, probably drink too much, need to feel loved but terrified of commitment... I feel bad for myself that all my friends are getting married, having kids, beginning their lives as a wife or mother and I am no where closer to that then I was at 25 or 21 or lets be honest 16.  But when I really think about it, I scare myself with the realization that I am not ready to give up the spontaneity of my life.  To become someone other then the independent, up for anything, put on my own snow chains, know all the bartenders in the neighborhood, move across the country and start a life in a city where I essentially know no one, buy a ticket and fly to Bali 10 days later type of women my friends and I have gotten to accept, love, and perhaps even respect.  My job does not help me mend my differences.  Taking care of people whose lives are changed and often cut far far too short, I struggle with planning too far in the future... I argue with my father about how much I should put into savings and how much I should put towards traveling, clothes, and embracing my independence because well it's me and also because I see lives cut too short.  The 21 year old who wasn't given the chance to fall in love, the 3 year old who was not done teaching us lessons about fighting fear with love, or the 2 year old whose dimples should have had the chance to make so many more peoples heart's melt for years to come. These are partial parts of beautiful children and young adults whose lives where cut short.  I am left deciding what I want more, a savings for the family I have yet to have with the husband I have yet to find or a life seeing adventures that they were not given the chance to have.

Sunrise, taken in honor of a sweet beautiful boy... 

His Mother's write a remarkable blog about their journey as a family through their son's diagnosis, treatment, death, and the depths of life after loss.  I suggest starting from the beginning. 

Driving home from his service with a little reminder.  #Croc 

If you find yourself with a few extra dollars another remarkable mother is trying to give her son the service he deserves... you can donate here. 

This fall I started to feel that my life was in the need of change or at least structure and so I decided to cover a maternity leave as BMT coordinator.  I work on the same floor but now instead of doing crazy 12hr shifts nights, days, weekends, or holidays I work Monday thru Thursday 8ish to 5ish, I wear real clothes (which I love) and plan the admission, transplant, and discharge of bone marrow transplant patients.  It has, so far, been the change I needed to relight the spark that I felt I might have lost in my love for this job.  I have learned so much about bone marrow transplants, how decisions behind the scenes are made, and how much work goes into absolutely every part of the patients care. This was a change I needed, I need structure, to know what days I am working, sleep at night and not at 8am, have holidays off... I needed this, however I have not felt much better, I am still adjusting to life in the real world and I fear just as I do, this stint will be over and I will be back to my random life of 12 hour shifts.  Perhaps I will have picked up just enough tricks about routine and structure to carry it into my unstructured life.  Ah well a girl can dream. 

So to sum up whatever it was that I just rambled on about. I am have no idea what I really want from this blog but therefore I am going to write about it all.  The parties I throw, clothes I wear or wish I could, the hilarious ridiculousness that my life often is, the insanity that my job is (I mean I am a nurse after all and see some crazy shit).  I will write about the remarkable people I meet whether it be patients, parents, or my brilliant and caring coworkers, the lives that are cut short and how I attempt to deal with it, and the hopes and dreams I make for myself.  I will share with you the blogs and stories of parents and friends that have insight beyond my ability and live their lives in a way I will forever be in awe of.  I suppose this is how it should be, my life is a story of opposites, of embracing life by traveling, partying, and being slightly ridiculous, loving my friends and family... and at the same time looking for ways to save and remember others' lives.  I promise to not make it completely depressing, trust me, for better or for worse my life can be pretty entertaining. Or so I have been told.