Oh the Single Life...

Tinder.

Tinder is an App in which you flip through pictures of guys in your area and if you find them cute you hit the green <3 button and if you don't then you hit the red X. If one of the guys that you liked also happened to like you then you are a "match" and can now chat.  To make things better/cheesier the logo for this app is a flame.  Yup I have claimed myself above match.com but I will entertain myself with an app called tinder (substitute the dot above the i with a flame), classy.  My 24 year old cousin introduced this to me as a joke and a pretty good self esteem booster but just recently I have had the moral dilemma of how seriously I want to take it.  Pretty cute, normal looking and sounding guys are chatting me.  For awhile I would chat back however, the second they brought up meeting I would stop responding.  But as I ended conversations with more and more cute, nice seeming guys, and attempt to pursue my crush on the 35 year old bartender with a child that has no hope of going anywhere (let alone anywhere near a healthy and promising relationship) I realized that maybe, just maybe I should meet a couple of them. Ugh. I can here it now, Mimi Chase trying to spin this into a positive as she tells her friends at Wednesday wine night in her apartment building... "Oh my oldest granddaughter, you know the nurse, is dating this fantastic man she met after he saw a picture of her dancing at a wedding and just had to get her number and meet her." Yup Mimi it went just like that.  Anyway, I finally decided I would take the plunge and agreed to a meeting at a "Sneaky Sound System" show at the Mezzanine.  One of my friends thankfully rallied and let me tag along with her, her BF, and 14 of his friends.  So before I knew it, I found myself piled into a limo with mostly strangers on my way to meet a complete stranger... The concert was actually really awesome, epic dance party, meeting the guy was really bizarre though. He found me at the bar, said hi, told me where his friends were, we split up and then I never heard from him again.  Apparently I didn't make a very good first impression.  Ah well life of a single girl, part 16,624...

On a positive note I had a fantastic time dancing the night away!

Getting Back on Track...

Wow, Sorry folks, it has been awhile!

Since far before I even started this blog I have struggled with the style, theme, and parts of my life or interests that I wanted to share with others, or what I thought others may find interesting enough to read.  As I am starting to learn, a lot of that indecisiveness is very related to my internal dilemmas.  I am in general (and it is not just a persona) a very happy, go with the flow, laid back, love to have a good time, family oriented, caring and kind person.  However I also love adventure, am completely unable to keep my life organized, have ADHD, am always late, can't manage my money, probably drink too much, need to feel loved but terrified of commitment... I feel bad for myself that all my friends are getting married, having kids, beginning their lives as a wife or mother and I am no where closer to that then I was at 25 or 21 or lets be honest 16.  But when I really think about it, I scare myself with the realization that I am not ready to give up the spontaneity of my life.  To become someone other then the independent, up for anything, put on my own snow chains, know all the bartenders in the neighborhood, move across the country and start a life in a city where I essentially know no one, buy a ticket and fly to Bali 10 days later type of women my friends and I have gotten to accept, love, and perhaps even respect.  My job does not help me mend my differences.  Taking care of people whose lives are changed and often cut far far too short, I struggle with planning too far in the future... I argue with my father about how much I should put into savings and how much I should put towards traveling, clothes, and embracing my independence because well it's me and also because I see lives cut too short.  The 21 year old who wasn't given the chance to fall in love, the 3 year old who was not done teaching us lessons about fighting fear with love, or the 2 year old whose dimples should have had the chance to make so many more peoples heart's melt for years to come. These are partial parts of beautiful children and young adults whose lives where cut short.  I am left deciding what I want more, a savings for the family I have yet to have with the husband I have yet to find or a life seeing adventures that they were not given the chance to have.

Sunrise, taken in honor of a sweet beautiful boy... 

His Mother's write a remarkable blog about their journey as a family through their son's diagnosis, treatment, death, and the depths of life after loss.  I suggest starting from the beginning. 

Driving home from his service with a little reminder.  #Croc 

If you find yourself with a few extra dollars another remarkable mother is trying to give her son the service he deserves... you can donate here. 

This fall I started to feel that my life was in the need of change or at least structure and so I decided to cover a maternity leave as BMT coordinator.  I work on the same floor but now instead of doing crazy 12hr shifts nights, days, weekends, or holidays I work Monday thru Thursday 8ish to 5ish, I wear real clothes (which I love) and plan the admission, transplant, and discharge of bone marrow transplant patients.  It has, so far, been the change I needed to relight the spark that I felt I might have lost in my love for this job.  I have learned so much about bone marrow transplants, how decisions behind the scenes are made, and how much work goes into absolutely every part of the patients care. This was a change I needed, I need structure, to know what days I am working, sleep at night and not at 8am, have holidays off... I needed this, however I have not felt much better, I am still adjusting to life in the real world and I fear just as I do, this stint will be over and I will be back to my random life of 12 hour shifts.  Perhaps I will have picked up just enough tricks about routine and structure to carry it into my unstructured life.  Ah well a girl can dream. 

So to sum up whatever it was that I just rambled on about. I am have no idea what I really want from this blog but therefore I am going to write about it all.  The parties I throw, clothes I wear or wish I could, the hilarious ridiculousness that my life often is, the insanity that my job is (I mean I am a nurse after all and see some crazy shit).  I will write about the remarkable people I meet whether it be patients, parents, or my brilliant and caring coworkers, the lives that are cut short and how I attempt to deal with it, and the hopes and dreams I make for myself.  I will share with you the blogs and stories of parents and friends that have insight beyond my ability and live their lives in a way I will forever be in awe of.  I suppose this is how it should be, my life is a story of opposites, of embracing life by traveling, partying, and being slightly ridiculous, loving my friends and family... and at the same time looking for ways to save and remember others' lives.  I promise to not make it completely depressing, trust me, for better or for worse my life can be pretty entertaining. Or so I have been told. 

Christmas time in San Francisco...

Parties, Christmas Cards, 7 Long, and Maine

The holiday season turned out to be pretty busy so I ran out of time for updates... here is a look back at the past few weeks! Happy New Year everyone! 

Pre-Santa Con Brunch! 

Bagels, ham, strata... the pic really doesn't do it justice for the amount of food!

Plus a mimosa and bloody mary bar... my phone was the music source and my camera was out of battery so I apologize for the lack of pictures!

There are a few pics from the party its self... 

mostly centering around my Tutu from Anthropologie... unfortunately it might be sold out. 

I laughed too hard and popped the clasp off the back, so naturally pulled out my needle and thread and sewed it back on.  

Christmas Cards... 

This was the first Christmas Card I sent out by myself and so I felt like I wanted to say more then just Happy Holidays... here is what I came up with.

*Warning this is long and pretty sappy, I am so sorry, and I promise to not do this every year, feel free to skip to the last paragraph...

Dear Friends and Family,

It has been five years since I packed up my little Ford Focus and drove across country to “live my dream”.  And live it I have.  In the past five years I have been so lucky to have met the most generous, original, hilarious, kind, smart, determined, and adventurous people that have accepted me (high heels, oversized suitcases, tardiness, and all) into their life.  With them I have traveled to Mexico, Lake Powell, Chicago, Sun Valley, up and down the California coast, Bali, etc.  I have celebrated their engagements, weddings, parenthood, graduations, and career changes.  With a heavy heart I witnessed too many of them deal with the loss of a parent and other loved ones with a grace and strength that left me in awe.  

I also, have been so blessed to work on 7 Long at UCSF... it is here that I met most of my wonderful friends and it is here that I have gained the experience and confidence to be a nurse I can be proud of.  I don’t think I could have ever prepared myself for the amount I would learn; not only about medicine, the human body, cancer, the importance of a strong nurse and advocate, and the brilliance needed by the doctors to develop a treatment plan and make life saving discoveries.  But also, about how I react in stressful situations, how my confidence has grown to a point where I can question the Dr., or defend myself and others in conflict and confrontation (instead of my signature breaking into tears and running away), and most importantly having the ability to help a patient and family when their world is falling apart around them.  I owe all of this to my co-workers and to the many children and families I have had the honor of caring for.

This year I will be spending Christmas with them.  For reasons beyond my understanding it seems as though every Thanksgiving and Christmas we get a new diagnoses, relapse, or are forced to accept that we have run out of treatment options for a patient. For a time of year that is traditionally spent feeling grateful for good health, being surrounded by loved ones, and optimism for miracles, these children and families are experiencing the opposite.  Instead of putting out milk and cookies for Santa in front of their Christmas tree and falling asleep dreaming peaceful innocent thoughts; they will be woken up by their IV beeping, or the blood pressure cuff being wrapped around their arm, or put into a groggy fog as benadryl is pushed through their IV in prep for yet another blood transfusion.  And yet through all the pain, nausea, fevers, and fear they will have smiles on their faces.  Already the kids and parents have decorated their rooms with lights, paper Christmas trees, etc.  On Christmas morning the night shift will place large red sacks at the foot of all of their beds full with generously donated gifts that the kids will open with the same excitement as they would at home.  Families will spill in with gifts and food for both the patient and us...  On Christmas and every other day I am impressed with the determination, strength, courage, and forgiveness of these children and young adults.  

I would be lying if I claimed that I was ok with the fact that I will not be getting dressed up and attending the Howell’s Christmas Eve Party, or curl up on the couch reading the Polar Express with my family, and on Christmas morning opening stockings around the fire surrounded by Carlyn, my Mom, Dad, and Mimi Schlichter.  I have managed to paint a pretty pitiful image of myself coming home from work to an empty apartment building on Christmas Eve.  As my mind wanders yet again to that image, I take a breath and realize that I need to grow the hell up.  If my patients, whose innocence has been taken from them long ago and who have been forced into situations that most of us are still not mature enough to handle.  If they can put a smile on their face and celebrate Christmas in a hospital room, then I owe it to them to do the same.  

If nothing else, these past five years have taught me to be thankful for all that is good in my life.  When my worlds combined and I found myself on the other side of the hospital bed attempting to be as strong, caring, and selfless as the many families that find themselves on 7 Long.  When I attempted to fill the shoes of nurse/advocate that my mother has worn and continues to wear with such care, dedication, and ability.  When my family said goodbye to a dear friend and role model.  And when, yet another, patient lost his brave battle... I realized, eventually, that though my optimism had wavered, and any innocence that I had been holding onto disappeared, I could still find the blessings and good.  I was so grateful and honored to be given the chance to help as my mother does in the way that I had admired and aspired to for so long.  I am beyond thankful for the friends I have made in my new home and their acceptance of me into their lives and families.  I am reminded of the family I have, and the amazing people they surrounded me with... that would be all of you.  Although I will be alone on Christmas eve, and with perfect strangers on a plane Christmas night.  I will be able to put a smile on my face because, as it turns out, I am not alone at all.  I have the memory of beautiful and brave people ranging from 6 months to 88 years old, I have the inspiration to be both selfless and courageous at the same time, and I have the wonderful luck that all of you are here in my life ready give me a hug, make me laugh, and push me to dream bigger while keeping me grounded.  

So to sum up what was supposed to be a quick paragraph of a letter... It turns out that there is nothing more gratifying, humbling, and inspiring than being a pediatric oncology nurse on Christmas.  But I could not support and care for the patients without having had all of you as friends, role models, and family.   I love and appreciate all of you more than you will ever know.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Love,

Abby xoxo

*more to come...